 What are the three virtues essential to creating deep and lasting bonds with your child?
The three virtues essential to creating deep and lasting bonds with your child are benevolence, wisdom and courage. Benevolence is the virtue that helps you to love your child with compassion and understanding, and it is most crucial when you are angry with your child. Wisdom is the virtue that enables you to foresee the consequence of your own action and it is most important when you are confused and are standing at a crossroad in parenting. Courage is the virtue that helps you to do what is right and not what feels easy, and it is most needed when you are afraid to go out of your comfort zone. |
You apply the ancient teachings of the Chinese sage, Confucius, to parenting. Can we really raise a modern child on the teachings of another culture from thousands of years ago?
Time and culture may change, but the basics of humanity are timeless and universal. We still love the feelings of being loved and care for by another person and hate to be hurt by disrespect, loss of freedom or violence. Confucius lived five thousand years ago in a place thousands of miles away from America, yet what he taught his students is still the key to harmonious interpersonal relationships, which is degenerating in a world when we communicate more with screens than human faces. A modern child of any culture will still need a good parent/child relationship with his parents. Without a good relationship, even the best parenting skills and techniques will not get you anywhere. |
What is Benevolence and why is it important for us to learn about it?
Benevolence is the virtue to love and care for a person with compassion and kindness. Just like anger, it is the powerful force behind our reaction to another person. But unlike anger, it will not lead us to hurt someone who has hurt us. The importance of Benevolence is not so much in making life better for others, but in making life better for ourselves. With benevolence, we learn to genuinely let go of our anger by feeling for the other person. So instead of producing negative energy with our anger day after day, we will have the opportunity to produce and attract more positive energy to make our own lives better. |
You don't support spanking or slapping a child but what are some viable alternatives to corporal punishment?
Physical punishments should only be considered when you need to protect a very young child from life threatening situations like playing with a knife or fire. When a child is old enough (about three years old) to reason and understand the consequence of his action, hitting a child instead of talking to him is depriving him the opportunity to learn how to reason and understand the real consequence of his action. Parents should take time to discuss about a child's Ôbad behavior,' listen to his point of view, explain why it was wrong from your point of view and discipline him accordingly. It is more important for a child to truly learn right from wrong than to be afraid of you. |
How do you set reasonable boundaries for a young child?
You need to use wisdom in setting reasonable boundaries for young children. Boundaries can be looked at like a circle; the bigger it is, the more freedom you are giving to your child. The only time that the circle of boundary should be enlarged is when you see that your child has learned to handle the freedom he has been given. Just like privilege, freedom will need to be earned, and that is an important lesson to teach your child from a young age. You need wisdom to adjust the circle of boundary because either too big or too small a circle will be harmful to your child. |
Why do so many parents have difficulty communicating with their children?
Many parents have difficulty communicating with their children because many of them did not train their children how to communicate with them. Communication is a skill, and it is something that needs to be learned. Most parents talk to their children as either a parent-ruler or a parent-teacher all the time. Under such circumstances, these parents are being look at as authorities all the time, and that would discourage their children from opening up to them. The only time that children can truly communicate at ease with their parents is when parents can act like a parent-friend, who is willing to listen to their children's opinion or problems without judgment and criticism. |
What can a parent do to contain and manage his or her anger when dealing with a child?
Benevolence is the opposite of anger. With anger, you just want to hurt the person who has hurt you, even when that person is the child you love so much. Benevolence, on the other hand, helps you to care for the other person, even if the person has hurt you, because you have the empathy to feel the pain or fear of the other person. A parent who has cultivated the virtue of benevolence will be able to manage his anger by seeing the situation from the child's point of view. Once you are able to see through the surface of a Ôbad child' and feel for his emotion, you will be able to cool off and maintain a clear mind to respond to the situation. |
Why do parents need wisdom?
Parents need wisdom to make the right choice in getting the right result. Without wisdom, parents will only be able to say and do things as a reaction to what our children say and do. With wisdom, we will be able to think and foresee what is to come and decide on the best path to take in order to get the best result. Parents also need wisdom to learn from their own mistakes so that they will know how to improve and become better parents. |
What does it mean to be a Ôcourageous' parent?
I think courage is the most misinterpreted word in America. Many parents, especially when they are parent-rulers, believe that to be courageous is dare to do what you like to do even if it is risky or even harmful to the child, like hitting or threatening the child. But courage, when use with wisdom, means also to be able to do what you don't like to do, like admitting your own mistake, letting go of your child when it feels good to hold on to him., or holding firm to discipline even when it is so much easier to give in. Courage must go hand in hand with wisdom and benevolence, or else it will lead to the wrong or even dangerous results. |
What are the three most common mistakes most parents tend to make?
The three most common mistakes most parents tend to make are being too controlling, too permissive and too stubborn. Controlling parents tend to rule like a tyrant and that cause children to be submissive. Permissive parents tend to let children have freedom even before they are ready and that will cause children to have no guidance. Stubborn parents tend to think they are always right just because they are older and more experience then their children and that might not always be true. |
How can a parent be in control without being controlling?
It is more important for a parent to be in control of the situation than to be in control of the child. Many parents make the mistake of controlling every move of the child, thinking that as long as a child is 'obedient,' nothing will go wrong. Unfortunately, many children fight to gain control of their lives behind their parents through substance abuse, sex, eating disorder and other self-destructive measures because they know that their parents will not be able to control what they want to do to their own body. Wisdom helps you to be in control of the situation so that your child will follow your rule without feeling that you are controlling his life. |
What is a parent-ruler? Parent-teacher? Parent-friend?
A parent-ruler is a parent whose role is to rule and protect the child so that he will be free from danger. This role calls for absolute obedience from the child who is not yet capable of seeing the danger due to his immaturity. Parent-teacher is a parent who assumes the role of teaching the child everything that he needs to be taught so that the child will one day be well prepared to face the world on his own. Parent-friend is the parent who is accepting a child with an open mind and an open heart so that they can be friends forever. |
How do parents know when to play what role when raising a child?
Parents need only ask themselves what they want to achieve in a certain situation. If they want to protect a child from danger, they will need to be the parent-ruler. If they want to teach a child to make decisions on their own so that he can learn and grow, they will need to be the parent-teacher. If they want to connect with their child and to touch his heart, then they will need to be the parent-friend. Parents will have to hold on to the three 'hats' all the time while raising their child. In general, the younger the child, the more time you need to put on your parent-ruler hat, and the older the child, the more time you need to put on your parent-friend hat. |
How do parents remain aware and in the present?
A parent can remain aware and in the present by being conscious of what is truly going on in their lives. This does not only apply to what is happening on the surface, but also what is going on inside your child's mind. Meditation can help you to rest your own mind so that you can have the clarity to see what is truly going on. A clear mind is essential for choosing the right path in parenting. |
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